A Heart of Flesh

It’s Christmas Eve.  My heart is so full and I couldn’t even sleep.  I woke up just after 6am and just snuck downstairs to steal a few minutes before the chaos of the day begins.  As I sit here in the living room with just the glow of the Christmas tree and the early morning grayness seeping through the windows, I smell my coffee; I hear the neighbor’s cow and rooster greeting the morning; I hear the girls upstairs playing quietly in their room awaiting the arrival of 7am so they can come downstairs and start the morning cartoon parade; I can hear the faint dribble of last night’s leftover rain; and I can feel the Christmas. 

Today, my family in the USA is celebrating Christmas.  In just a couple of hours, they will meet at Mom and Dad’s house to open presents and celebrate Jesus’ birth.  Everyone.  Except us.  Bill’s family is home from Vanuatu.  Even Nathan is home for Christmas from the Marines.  I know we got to spend the last 2 Christmases with my side of the family; maybe that’s what makes this year so bittersweet for me…the missing of everything.

This year, we weren’t even sure if we were going to have any presents at all.  Then, God worked such a big Christmas miracle that we are still in awe of Him.  We got a gift that allowed us to buy a few gifts plus get some other things done that were needed.  God has been so good to us this year. 

We won’t have the amount of gifts that we’ve had the last 2 years….not even close.  But each of us will have something to open and I will make a nice Christmas brunch and then a big dinner later.  My goal is to make it a special day of family together-ness with new traditions.  But I have to be honest.  I’m nervous about Christmas.  I think that’s why I woke up so early this morning.  Nerves.

What if Christmas isn’t as special for the kids?  I KNOW that Christmas really isn’t about the presents.  It’s not even about the food.  It’s about celebrating the most blessed Gift that ever was given to the world:  Jesus the Savior.  I KNOW all that. 

But…

What if I can’t convey that?  Why do I feel the entire weight of celebrating Christmas on my shoulders?  I feel if I don’t make it special, no one will.  I want Clint to not miss his family in South Africa as much as he has been.  I want the girls to feel that they get to celebrate a special day even if we can’t afford all the “nice” things.  I want my heart to feel the peace that this little Baby came to bring!

And so, with Christmas here, my heart is full and I am choosing to focus on the Gift of Christmas.  I choose peace.  I choose to make this Christmas one that we will never forget.  Because it isn’t about me.  It’s about Jesus. 

Silent Night.  Holy Night.  All is calm.  All is bright.

We have some friends in South Africa (you know who you are) who had the rule with their kids that they are not allowed to watch TV during the school week.  I thought this was a good idea, so we decided to implement it in our home.

This was successful for a very short time.  We started to allow them to watch one or two programs after supper, before bedtime.  Then it grew to watching some even before supper if they were done with their homework.  In reality, the kids were watching TV most afternoons and evenings.  I realized this is not what we had wanted.

So, this week, I told the girls that we were going to re-implement this rule and this time, there would be truly no TV during the school week.  They can watch it – as a treat – Friday after school and on Saturday.  Monday was tough.  Gabi wandered around not sure what to do.  (In all fairness, it is still rainy season, so it is tricky when we are all stuck inside because of the torrential downpour outside).  Tuesday was better.

In fact, I find that if I clean up the supper dishes, sweep the floors and light the candles, the house feels clean and calm.  So, that’s what I’ve been doing.  After the house is calm, the girls and I have been sitting in the candlelit living room, reading from their chapter book.  I have really come to enjoy this new routine.  I find it helps them before bedtime, too.  They are calmer when it’s time to go to bed and they really enjoy the time together with Mommy.  I know it’s only been 3 days, but I really love it.

It’s a great idea to turn off the TV and spend special time with your kids.  Maybe this holiday season, you need to slow down a bit and remember how great the simple life can be.  It worked for me.

I have been reading The Shack.  I know, I know,  I am a few years behind the trend of this book, which is precisely why I’m reading it now.  When it first came out and was so hugely popular, the rebellious side of me came out, too.  I refused to read it simply because it was “trendy” in Christian circles.  I don’t like to go with the flow, so I rebelled against reading it.

Well, I finally cracked it open.

And I got hooked.

I’ve been reading it for the last 10 days or so and these 10 days have been amazing.  Truly and profoundly amazing.  I feel like I’ve been on a 10-day-long date with Papa God, which has been very rudely interrupted by life.  The moments I’ve been able to read have been precious, inspiring, tearful, impacting and deep.  God has spoken so much to my heart through this book.

If you have not read it, I won’t spoil it for you.  But The Shack is about a man whose life has been altered through an unimaginable tragedy in his family.  He then receives a note, apparently from God, inviting him back to the very place that this tragedy occurred.  And then begins an experience with God that would ultimately change his life forever.  And in the telling of this experience, it has changed mine, as well.

While it is just a novel, it has really challenged the way I think about God, breaking to pieces all of the human understanding of God that I had.  Because my understanding of God is just that:  Human.  But God is so much bigger than what I’ve tried to make Him in my human mind.  Even His infinte-ness is beyond what I can imagine.

The major lesson God is teaching me is the truth in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  When things happen in our lives, things that seem bad or tragic in our human understanding are actually so much more a part of the bigger picture that God is painting.  It’s such a difficult concept for us humans to understand.  The mind-boggling thing is that while our heart is breaking, so is God’s.  He doesn’t like to see us suffer.  BUT, on the other side,  He is also working everything out somehow for our good.  It doesn’t make sense to us yet.  But there will come a day when all will be revealed to us, but here on Earth is not that time.

Until that time, the challenge is just to trust.  To believe that God really does desire good for us.  And just to trust that.  Because it is all of these things – good and bad – that He is working out for good.

It feels like the world changed completely and irreversibly.  And I just don’t know what to think of it.  My heart is so torn by the news of the death of Osama bin Laden.

This has been an emotional week for me.  I am feeling the same emotions I felt on the day of the Columbine school shooting and on September 11, 2001.  I remember exactly where I was on both of those occasions – and exactly how I felt and ALL the emotions that assaulted me.  The same is true now, after bin Laden’s death.  I know where I was, who I was with and how profoundly it broke my heart.

I am proud to be an American.  I really am.  But as a Christian, I have a different perspective on patriotism, nationalism, Americanism.  Having lived overseas for so long, I view things differently than most Americans.  There are some things that I have learned by living outside of my own culture for so long:

First of all, while it is good to be proud of where I come from, I have learned that I had nothing to do with what country I was born in.  My earthly nationality was none of my own doing.  I believe that God ordained it long before the foundations of the earth were laid.  I am grateful for this, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I could have just as easily been born in Afghanistan or Lithuania or Argentina.  How can I take pride in something that I had nothing to do with?

Another thing I’ve learned – and this awareness has been heightened this week – is that I am bound to live on this earth, but my real life is in the spiritual realm.  Because of this, I have no choice but to view things with a spiritual mindset and not an earthly one.  This has been very difficult for me this week – to balance the two.

Here is my struggle:  At the very root of my struggle, I don’t understand how killing one man solves any problem.  Especially one man who most likely did not know Jesus.  I know what happens to people who die without Jesus and I cannot rejoice that Osama is there.  No matter how evil he was, I believe that God mourns the loss of even one so evil.  He is now separated – FOREVER – from a loving Father with definitely no hope of ever knowing Him.  This is a sad day.

On the other hand, this is war and people die in war.  My nephew, Nathan, returned from Afghanistan the same day that President Obama announced the death of Osama bin Laden.  He is a United States Marine.  And I am so proud of him.  I am so proud of him for defending our country.  It is because of the sacrifice of him and thousands of others that I have the freedom to travel to other countries to tell people about Jesus.

But….

I hate it that people have to kill other people.  I don’t know how God views this.  And this….THIS is my struggle.  I know what God thinks about man killing man, I mean, good grief, this is one of the 10 Commandments!  But, what if man is killing man in war?  Will that man be held accountable for the other man’s death or is it different if it was done under orders of the government, to which we are commanded to be obedient?

My heart has broken this week as  I have heard comments from other Christians, rejoicing in the death of another man.  Is this really something to rejoice about?  This has shaken me and made me re-evaluate what I think about war, and even the death penalty.  I feel confused, to be honest….confused and heartbroken.

Dear Lord,

I know that Your Word says that nation will rise against nation but does that mean you’re okay with this?  My heart is breaking over the death of this man who most likely did not know you.  I am reminded again of a world that is dying without you.  I am determined to see change and regeneration happen around the globe…I am committed to getting your Truth into the world so that no more have to die without the knowledge of You.  

Have you ever seen the video “Indescribable” by Louie Giglio?  In it, Louie explains in great detail how wide and how vast and how far is the universe in which we dwell.  And then he brings it back to show that, despite having made all the billions of stars and countless galaxies and even more than we can comprehend, God is still intricately involved in redeeming each and every one of us.  Even me.  Even you.  It is amazing.

Today, I have reflected a lot on God’s perfect will and God’s perfect timing.  These are two things that I can truly say I just don’t understand.  I believe that God always has our best in mind.  Everything He does for me is because he wants my best.  Everything He allows in my life – the good and the bad – He allows because He knows HOW it will bring about the best for me.  Please let me be clear:  I do not believe that God MAKES <what I perceive to be> bad things happen to me, but I do believe that he ALLOWS <what I perceive to be> bad things to happen because out of those things,  He will teach me, grow me, mold me, change me.  There are things in my life that I look back on and see that He has worked that situation out for my good, even though at the time, it did not seem that anything good could come of it.  There are also things in my life that seem “bad” to me and I still have no answer to my unending question of “Why?”.  However, even in those times, I trust that He has my best interest in mind.  He always does.

After spending the day with Darrel and Kathy and hearing about the journey that God has them on right now in their lives, I have thought so much today about the journey that we have been on to get to Panama.  What an amazing thing to look back and see that, although it has been a difficult and bumpy road, God has used each circumstance to teach us, grow us, mold us and change us.  I am a different person today than I was two years ago when we started our journey to Panama – and I believe I’m different in a good way!  He is good.  All the time.  Even in those days and weeks that I struggled with Him.  Even when I could not understand why He allowed us the struggles that He did.  Even when everyone around was just as full of doubt as we were.  God was good.  God is good.  He doesn’t change; our perspective is what changes, but He remains steady and true.

Today was a very, VERY important day in the life of one of my dearest life-friends.  There are 4 of us girls who all met in college (A little shout-out here to New Tribes Bible Institute!), became true sisters of the soul and have continued this unbelievable friendship over the past 17 years.  (yes, we are old now).  There have been trials and struggles, joys and triumphs in all of our lives.  We live in different, far apart places and see each other in person only every few years.  But the distance has never changed the depth of our friendship.  We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death together and we have sung on the highest mountain together.  We have mourned together and we have laughed.  Oh, believe me, we have laughed.  Corrie, Amy and Cora are sisters of my heart.  And today was a life changing day for Corrie.  And although I sit in Panama and she is in Minnesota, my heart is soaring with joy over all that God has accomplished in her life.

Almost 4 years ago, Corrie and her husband, Jason, took a monumental step of faith and started the process that would ultimately lead to today.  They started the process of international adoption.  Their precious chosen children were born physically in Liberia, but a half a world away, they were born right into Corrie’s heart.  Today is the day they came home to Minnesota.  It is a miracle of all miracles and my heart is so overwhelmed for their whole family.  And I sit back in awe, once again, at God’s perfect timing.

His ways are always higher than our ways.  His thoughts far beyond ours.  But He is always right.  And He is always on time.

Darrel & Kathy, I have valued this weekend with you.  I love you both and cherish the input you have had in my life.

Corrie, you are an amazing woman of God and I am so proud of you for the way you have walked this difficult path that ultimately led you to welcoming Kelvin and Hawa home.  My heart sings with yours.

This is currently one of the best songs out there.  I love it and it really speaks to my heart.

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe you’re my healer

I believe you’re all I need

I believe

I believe you’re my portion

I believe you’re more than enough for me

Jesus, you’re all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands!

Surely I am not the only one in the world with so many ups and downs!  I have had such a good few days, really excited about the future of our ministry, blessed by how God is providing, the girls doing well in school;  just doing well!  And then today came.

This morning at 11:30, Gabi’s teacher called from school and put a crying Gabi girl on the phone.  She had a headache and wanted to come home.  I told her she could stay because school would be finished in just a little bit.  I talked to her teacher but honestly have no idea what she said.  I told her Gabi could just wait until school was finished and she will be fine.  Well, she was not fine and they called back at noon, so I told her I would come and get her this time.  When I went to pick her up, her teacher walked her out and explained to me that they had done a LOT of reading all in Spanish and she thinks it was just too much for Gabi.  I think so, too.  This was one of those situations as a parent that I was torn:  on the one hand, she needs to learn to work through frustrations like this and just stay at school.  On the other hand, there is just so much more to consider:  she is just a few weeks into going to school in a new country, culture and language, so missing one hour of classes because she was overwhelmed is probably okay and not going to give her the wrong message (that it’s okay to cry so she can come home).  After I thought about it like that, I realized that this was the right decision to let her come home.  Of course, she was fine when she got home….she was just overwhelmed and I am glad I let her come home to just chill out for the afternoon.

Added to this was the fact that Ilah had darted out the front gate and I had to drive around for 15 minutes to find her and bring her home.  I had to get out of the car 3 different times to chase her, but to no avail.  When I finally got to her, she just jumped in the car with me as if nothing was wrong.  Naughty little goober.   I was so hot and tired after this little escapade.  Then, after our nap time this afternoon, I learned that Snowball, the hamster, had escaped from her cage and was nowhere to be found.  UG.  REALLY?  So, now we have a red-eyed albino hamster creeping around the house somewhere….  Well, we found him a while later, curled up and snuggled behind the fridge.  We captured him and got him back into his cage.

Then it was homework time.  My frustration right now is that I am the only parent who can help the kids with homework because of the Spanish.  And, in my opinion, some of their homework is stupid.  Like Gabi’s:  she has to write her numbers from 1-1000.  It is just so time-consuming for a 2nd grader!  And it is hard to keep them all on task while translating all their instructions as well as their answers…it is multi-tasking on speed!

In the middle of the homework/hamster chaos, I opened my e-mails and had gotten one from my mom.  She let me know about all the medical bills that have arrived since we left and total more than $2000, from treatments that we received while we were in the States.  Just after reading that, I received a not-so-sensitive note from language school (in Costa Rica, where we studied last year) reminding us of our outstanding debt to them in the amount of almost $4400.

Sigh.

My heart is so heavy tonight.  But I am going to choose right now to trust God with all of this.  He made a way for us to be here, He will also make a way for this burden of debt to be removed.  I will trust Him for that.  And I will go to bed now and sleep this stress-headache away.

Have you ever gone to the grocery store and then, when you get back home, realized what a blessing going to the grocery store is?  Not just going there but being able to BUY food?  This happened to me yesterday.  We did our month of shopping at PriceSmart (like Sam’s Club in the States and Makro in South Africa) and our cupboard and freezer are bursting at the seams!  I know for some of you who are reading this, this is really no big deal.  But, for us, this is an amazing testament of God’s goodness to us!  Let me back up and tell you why!

When we lived in South Africa, we were always under-supported.  So much so that we struggled every month to make ends meet.  We were really blessed that we lived on the OM base and could take food from the students’ kitchen, so we never went without.  There were always Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, eggs, bread, cheese, etc…  Without that, we would not have had food.  It was a real struggle.

Then, we were in Costa Rica last year for language school.  This was what I might call our financial rock bottom.  We experienced the recession in a different way.  Because of the recession hitting our hometown of Kokomo, Indiana so hard, our support dropped dramatically.  For example, in May last year, once all the deductions had been made, we received $369 to live on.  For the month.  This was when we realized we probably need to head back to the States to raise support.   A heart-breaking decision to say the least.

We headed home to Indiana in June, after pulling out of language school early and changing our plans for coming to Panama.  This was probably one of the most difficult times we have experienced as missionaries.  There was a whole slew of emotions involved in this monumental decision.  Sadness:  for having to change our life plans.  Embarrassment:  because to some people it looked like we just “couldn’t stay on the mission field”.  Guilt:  for dragging our kids through this country-hopping and uncertainty.  Confusion:  because maybe God is trying to teach us something or re-direct our path?  We really started to doubt a lot about what we knew God was telling us.  It was just a time of difficulty for us.

After spending 8 months in Indiana raising support, we really saw God provide in amazing ways and through His amazing people.  While it was a difficult time in our lives and ministry, it was also an amazing time of being humbled so that God could be lifted up in us and through us.  We met our goal of monthly support, as well as one-time gifts needed for setting up once we arrived in Panama.

So, now we have been here for 5 weeks and are just in awe.  We received our first month’s support yesterday and were able to buy food.  Enough for the whole month!  How amazing is that?  We really serve an awesome God.  What a humbling reminder of how small we are but how much He loves and cares for us anyway!

Today is just one of those days that I feel sad, but for no particular reason.  I feel homesick but I’ve only been gone from the USA for a month.  I feel like crying.  I feel like I need 12 antidepressants but only took my normal ONE.  It’s one of those times that there are so many thoughts swirling around my brain but no real order or rhyme or reason.

I had thoughts of baking cookies this afternoon and then inviting my friend over for coffee and cookies in the afternoon.  However, when it came right down to it, I just could not motivate myself to do any of that.  So, the chocolate chips are still sitting on the kitchen counter, waiting to be used.

I did have bacon tonight.  And Lucky Charms earlier.  Sometimes, on days like this, you have to spend the little extra money that Lucky Charms cost because you just need Lucky Charms.  Yes, I am 35 and I like Lucky Charms.  It’s true and there is really no sense in trying to deny it.

Oh my gosh I am 35.

Tonight at supper, the girls sang a song in Spanish that they sing at school everyday.  It says thank you to Jesus for His love.  They sing it every afternoon just before they leave their classroom for the day.

I feel like I’m on the brink of writing something so profound.  I feel, also, that this profound-ness is not going to happen tonight in the middle of my randomness.

Yesterday when I picked Aliya up from school, I asked her how her day was.  She said, “Good.  Actually, it was a really good day!  I understood more and the work we did was pretty easy.”  Those words were like music to my ears!  Yesterday morning, this same 9-year-old girl told me that she thought she didn’t need to go to school.  I asked her why and her answer: “Because my Spanish is terrible!”  So, what a relief to hear that she understood more and actually had a good day!

Every day I hear all three of the girls saying more and more things in Spanish.  They don’t realize it, but they are learning.  And quick!

I spent the weekend in San Jose, Costa Rica.  Just me, no kids.  Thursday I took the bus over there because we have a bunch of household things that have been in storage since last June, when we left.  We left pretty quickly so I didn’t really remember everything we had there.  So, we decided that I would travel over for the weekend and sort through our things and make a plan as to how we will get those things over to Panama.

So, on Friday, my friend Sue took me over to the OM office, where we had stored our things.  When we got into the closet, I was shocked to see how much stuff we had there!  Plus, it was all covered with termite droppings!  YUCK!  I immediately felt overwhelmed by this task.  And I immediately knew that I could not take all of this stuff back with me on the bus to Panama.  So, we quickly opened each box, bag, suitcase and container, to look in and see if there were things in there that we needed right now.  The kids all had a list of things they wanted me to bring:  Gabi wanted her guitar, Julianna her “favorite baby doll” (I still have no idea which one is her favorite!) and Aliya wanted her bags!  (She seems to have inherited a gene that makes her a bag fiend.  I don’t know where she might have gotten THAT!).  Clint wanted the rice maker.  :)  I wanted our stainless steel coffee press and our drinking glasses.  The most important items were our bedding things:  sheets, comforters, etc…  Well, I was able to mark off all of these things except the bags and the baby doll.

I had taken 4 suitcases with me to fill up, and all the things I brought back from storage fit perfectly into my 4 pieces of luggage!  In addition to that, we had 2 suitcases at Dan & Sue’s house, which Clint had left in January when he was down here for some leaders’ meetings.  Well, I asked at the bus station how many suitcases I could bring on the bus and the lady said, “No hay problema” (no problem).  Of course, when I showed up with all 6 suitcases on Sunday, there was a problem.  The guys tried to make me pay extra but I argued my way out of it, IN SPANISH!  Some people say that you know you’re fluent when you start dreaming in a foreign language, but I think it’s more about when you can argue your way through business things!  I was so proud of myself for arguing in Spanish (hey, only a Widup would be proud of arguing, right?!)!

So, I managed to get all 6 bags through to Panama, with no problems at the border or anything!  Plus, the bus ride back was so much nicer because they took the new Pan-American highway, which is a much more pleasant trip than the other route, through the mountains (can we say PUKE- AGE!?)  Plus, on the Pan-American highway, you get to see the Pacific coast for a good long stretch and it is really really beautiful!

I finally got home Sunday evening and Clint and the girls came to pick me up and we had supper at Pizza Hut in David before coming home.  I was plagued with a headache that night that was making me soaked with sweat and nauseous but some Tylenol and Ibuprofen numbed it out and I went to bed early.  It’s so good to be HOME and to have a HOME to come to!

So, life is back in order here in Volcan and we had our first OM team meeting yesterday.  We just had devotions and chatted about what’s coming up.  It was only the beginning of many meetings in order to get the ball rolling and start to learn how to work together as a new team.  But it was truly so exciting to FINALLY be here, meeting and praying with our new teammates and looking to the wide-open future of the ministry!  It really makes me take a minute to look back at this 2-year journey that brought us here and to see God’s perfect timing and planning in bringing us all here, right now, for this time.  He is good.