A Heart of Flesh

Today is Gabi’s 6th birthday.  She’s my middle daughter.  Today we had 23 children, ranging in age from 1 year to 12 years old, at the birthday party.  But even through all the craziness and chaos, I have been reflecting about the past 6 years of my life.  What a journey it’s been.

Six years ago, Clint and I went into Pretoria East Hospital in Pretoria, South Africa, in the early morning hours of April 24 for our scheduled C-Section.  My pregnancy had been healthy, with regular workouts at the gym, including water aerobics (which I highly recommend as a fabulous pregnancy workout!).  We had planned for this baby, prayed for this baby and anticipated every good thing, just like with our first baby. 

At 8:55am, Dr. Sher announced, “It’s a girl!” and we knew her name was going to be Gabriella Jade.  Under the flourescent lights of the operating room, I saw my Gabi for the first time.  But something wasn’t right.  She was not cute.  Not at all.  She was perfectly round – everything about her was round.  But she did not look the way I thought she should look.  (I thought she should look like her sister, Aliya, had looked 21 months earlier.)  After all the excitement and anticipation of waiting for this little bundle, I didn’t feel excited.  I suddenly felt a new thing:  dread.

The 3 days I spent in the hospital were very different from my experience the first time around.  I didn’t want this new baby in my room.  She cried all the time.  And I mean, ALL the time.  She was breastfeeding okay but I didn’t like it.  As soon as I was done feeding her, I would take her back down to the Baby Room and let her stay there until her next feeding time. 

The first few weeks were a blur for me.  Then, when she was 6 weeks old, we flew to the USA for furlough – Clint and the now 22-month old Aliya had gone 2 weeks earlier.  Those two weeks had been hell.  Now I had to spend 24 hours flying with her.  She cried and cried and cried and I can only imagine now, thinking back, how frazzled and stressed I must have appeared on that flight.

Let’s jump ahead 2 1/2 years.  Here I have this toddler who continues to be difficult for me.  Plus, we’ve added another little girl to our family.  Julianna had been born when Gabi was only 14 months old – a surprise to us all!  At this point, I was not coping with my life as it was.  I couldn’t deal with Clint being gone – even when he would go to use the bathroom, I would stress out that I was alone with the kids.  Absolutely everything felt out of balance and out of control.

Then, Brooke Sheilds wrote a book titled, “Down Came The Rain”.  It chronicles her battle through post-partum depression.  I read an excerpt of the book in a magazine.  For the first time in 2 1/2 years, I felt like I was reading words that actually expressed what I didn’t even know was in my heart!  It made so much sense.  In a moment of time, there was light. 

I finally got the help I needed, although I didn’t like it.  No one wants to admit that they have to see a Clinical Psychologist.  No one wants to admit they are on anti-depressants.  But I could not deny the help these were to me.  Within a week, I felt like Becky again.  She had come back and she was just as fun and crazy as ever!

Today, I am still on anti-depressants and it’s still hard for me to admit it.  But just like a diabetic needs insulin, I need the extra help to regulate my chemicals.  And now that I have the help I need, I see my little girl in such a different way.

Today, Gabi is a beautiful and vivacious little 6 year old and the only one of my kids who inherited my freckles!  She is sharp and very clever and can do anything.  She surprises us constantly with her natural musical talent.  She picked up a pair of drumsticks and sat down at a drumset and started playing.  And she’s good!  She desperately wants to play the guitar, which is why that is her present for her birthday, along with 3 girl-colored picks that her Daddy chose for her! 

Not only is Gabi musically talented, she excels in everything she does at school and in sports.  She is fearless and determined, but at the same time, possesses a sensitive soft heart. 

I love Gabi more than I ever thought I would.  She fills my heart with something so unexpected and fresh.  And today, I thank God for giving me this precious little treasure for now.  I pray that I can take everything she is today and help mold her into the woman she’s meant to be.