A Heart of Flesh

This is currently one of the best songs out there.  I love it and it really speaks to my heart.

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe you’re my healer

I believe you’re all I need

I believe

I believe you’re my portion

I believe you’re more than enough for me

Jesus, you’re all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands!

Surely I am not the only one in the world with so many ups and downs!  I have had such a good few days, really excited about the future of our ministry, blessed by how God is providing, the girls doing well in school;  just doing well!  And then today came.

This morning at 11:30, Gabi’s teacher called from school and put a crying Gabi girl on the phone.  She had a headache and wanted to come home.  I told her she could stay because school would be finished in just a little bit.  I talked to her teacher but honestly have no idea what she said.  I told her Gabi could just wait until school was finished and she will be fine.  Well, she was not fine and they called back at noon, so I told her I would come and get her this time.  When I went to pick her up, her teacher walked her out and explained to me that they had done a LOT of reading all in Spanish and she thinks it was just too much for Gabi.  I think so, too.  This was one of those situations as a parent that I was torn:  on the one hand, she needs to learn to work through frustrations like this and just stay at school.  On the other hand, there is just so much more to consider:  she is just a few weeks into going to school in a new country, culture and language, so missing one hour of classes because she was overwhelmed is probably okay and not going to give her the wrong message (that it’s okay to cry so she can come home).  After I thought about it like that, I realized that this was the right decision to let her come home.  Of course, she was fine when she got home….she was just overwhelmed and I am glad I let her come home to just chill out for the afternoon.

Added to this was the fact that Ilah had darted out the front gate and I had to drive around for 15 minutes to find her and bring her home.  I had to get out of the car 3 different times to chase her, but to no avail.  When I finally got to her, she just jumped in the car with me as if nothing was wrong.  Naughty little goober.   I was so hot and tired after this little escapade.  Then, after our nap time this afternoon, I learned that Snowball, the hamster, had escaped from her cage and was nowhere to be found.  UG.  REALLY?  So, now we have a red-eyed albino hamster creeping around the house somewhere….  Well, we found him a while later, curled up and snuggled behind the fridge.  We captured him and got him back into his cage.

Then it was homework time.  My frustration right now is that I am the only parent who can help the kids with homework because of the Spanish.  And, in my opinion, some of their homework is stupid.  Like Gabi’s:  she has to write her numbers from 1-1000.  It is just so time-consuming for a 2nd grader!  And it is hard to keep them all on task while translating all their instructions as well as their answers…it is multi-tasking on speed!

In the middle of the homework/hamster chaos, I opened my e-mails and had gotten one from my mom.  She let me know about all the medical bills that have arrived since we left and total more than $2000, from treatments that we received while we were in the States.  Just after reading that, I received a not-so-sensitive note from language school (in Costa Rica, where we studied last year) reminding us of our outstanding debt to them in the amount of almost $4400.

Sigh.

My heart is so heavy tonight.  But I am going to choose right now to trust God with all of this.  He made a way for us to be here, He will also make a way for this burden of debt to be removed.  I will trust Him for that.  And I will go to bed now and sleep this stress-headache away.

Have you ever gone to the grocery store and then, when you get back home, realized what a blessing going to the grocery store is?  Not just going there but being able to BUY food?  This happened to me yesterday.  We did our month of shopping at PriceSmart (like Sam’s Club in the States and Makro in South Africa) and our cupboard and freezer are bursting at the seams!  I know for some of you who are reading this, this is really no big deal.  But, for us, this is an amazing testament of God’s goodness to us!  Let me back up and tell you why!

When we lived in South Africa, we were always under-supported.  So much so that we struggled every month to make ends meet.  We were really blessed that we lived on the OM base and could take food from the students’ kitchen, so we never went without.  There were always Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, eggs, bread, cheese, etc…  Without that, we would not have had food.  It was a real struggle.

Then, we were in Costa Rica last year for language school.  This was what I might call our financial rock bottom.  We experienced the recession in a different way.  Because of the recession hitting our hometown of Kokomo, Indiana so hard, our support dropped dramatically.  For example, in May last year, once all the deductions had been made, we received $369 to live on.  For the month.  This was when we realized we probably need to head back to the States to raise support.   A heart-breaking decision to say the least.

We headed home to Indiana in June, after pulling out of language school early and changing our plans for coming to Panama.  This was probably one of the most difficult times we have experienced as missionaries.  There was a whole slew of emotions involved in this monumental decision.  Sadness:  for having to change our life plans.  Embarrassment:  because to some people it looked like we just “couldn’t stay on the mission field”.  Guilt:  for dragging our kids through this country-hopping and uncertainty.  Confusion:  because maybe God is trying to teach us something or re-direct our path?  We really started to doubt a lot about what we knew God was telling us.  It was just a time of difficulty for us.

After spending 8 months in Indiana raising support, we really saw God provide in amazing ways and through His amazing people.  While it was a difficult time in our lives and ministry, it was also an amazing time of being humbled so that God could be lifted up in us and through us.  We met our goal of monthly support, as well as one-time gifts needed for setting up once we arrived in Panama.

So, now we have been here for 5 weeks and are just in awe.  We received our first month’s support yesterday and were able to buy food.  Enough for the whole month!  How amazing is that?  We really serve an awesome God.  What a humbling reminder of how small we are but how much He loves and cares for us anyway!

Today is just one of those days that I feel sad, but for no particular reason.  I feel homesick but I’ve only been gone from the USA for a month.  I feel like crying.  I feel like I need 12 antidepressants but only took my normal ONE.  It’s one of those times that there are so many thoughts swirling around my brain but no real order or rhyme or reason.

I had thoughts of baking cookies this afternoon and then inviting my friend over for coffee and cookies in the afternoon.  However, when it came right down to it, I just could not motivate myself to do any of that.  So, the chocolate chips are still sitting on the kitchen counter, waiting to be used.

I did have bacon tonight.  And Lucky Charms earlier.  Sometimes, on days like this, you have to spend the little extra money that Lucky Charms cost because you just need Lucky Charms.  Yes, I am 35 and I like Lucky Charms.  It’s true and there is really no sense in trying to deny it.

Oh my gosh I am 35.

Tonight at supper, the girls sang a song in Spanish that they sing at school everyday.  It says thank you to Jesus for His love.  They sing it every afternoon just before they leave their classroom for the day.

I feel like I’m on the brink of writing something so profound.  I feel, also, that this profound-ness is not going to happen tonight in the middle of my randomness.

Yesterday when I picked Aliya up from school, I asked her how her day was.  She said, “Good.  Actually, it was a really good day!  I understood more and the work we did was pretty easy.”  Those words were like music to my ears!  Yesterday morning, this same 9-year-old girl told me that she thought she didn’t need to go to school.  I asked her why and her answer: “Because my Spanish is terrible!”  So, what a relief to hear that she understood more and actually had a good day!

Every day I hear all three of the girls saying more and more things in Spanish.  They don’t realize it, but they are learning.  And quick!

I spent the weekend in San Jose, Costa Rica.  Just me, no kids.  Thursday I took the bus over there because we have a bunch of household things that have been in storage since last June, when we left.  We left pretty quickly so I didn’t really remember everything we had there.  So, we decided that I would travel over for the weekend and sort through our things and make a plan as to how we will get those things over to Panama.

So, on Friday, my friend Sue took me over to the OM office, where we had stored our things.  When we got into the closet, I was shocked to see how much stuff we had there!  Plus, it was all covered with termite droppings!  YUCK!  I immediately felt overwhelmed by this task.  And I immediately knew that I could not take all of this stuff back with me on the bus to Panama.  So, we quickly opened each box, bag, suitcase and container, to look in and see if there were things in there that we needed right now.  The kids all had a list of things they wanted me to bring:  Gabi wanted her guitar, Julianna her “favorite baby doll” (I still have no idea which one is her favorite!) and Aliya wanted her bags!  (She seems to have inherited a gene that makes her a bag fiend.  I don’t know where she might have gotten THAT!).  Clint wanted the rice maker.  :)  I wanted our stainless steel coffee press and our drinking glasses.  The most important items were our bedding things:  sheets, comforters, etc…  Well, I was able to mark off all of these things except the bags and the baby doll.

I had taken 4 suitcases with me to fill up, and all the things I brought back from storage fit perfectly into my 4 pieces of luggage!  In addition to that, we had 2 suitcases at Dan & Sue’s house, which Clint had left in January when he was down here for some leaders’ meetings.  Well, I asked at the bus station how many suitcases I could bring on the bus and the lady said, “No hay problema” (no problem).  Of course, when I showed up with all 6 suitcases on Sunday, there was a problem.  The guys tried to make me pay extra but I argued my way out of it, IN SPANISH!  Some people say that you know you’re fluent when you start dreaming in a foreign language, but I think it’s more about when you can argue your way through business things!  I was so proud of myself for arguing in Spanish (hey, only a Widup would be proud of arguing, right?!)!

So, I managed to get all 6 bags through to Panama, with no problems at the border or anything!  Plus, the bus ride back was so much nicer because they took the new Pan-American highway, which is a much more pleasant trip than the other route, through the mountains (can we say PUKE- AGE!?)  Plus, on the Pan-American highway, you get to see the Pacific coast for a good long stretch and it is really really beautiful!

I finally got home Sunday evening and Clint and the girls came to pick me up and we had supper at Pizza Hut in David before coming home.  I was plagued with a headache that night that was making me soaked with sweat and nauseous but some Tylenol and Ibuprofen numbed it out and I went to bed early.  It’s so good to be HOME and to have a HOME to come to!

So, life is back in order here in Volcan and we had our first OM team meeting yesterday.  We just had devotions and chatted about what’s coming up.  It was only the beginning of many meetings in order to get the ball rolling and start to learn how to work together as a new team.  But it was truly so exciting to FINALLY be here, meeting and praying with our new teammates and looking to the wide-open future of the ministry!  It really makes me take a minute to look back at this 2-year journey that brought us here and to see God’s perfect timing and planning in bringing us all here, right now, for this time.  He is good.

My blog 3 10 2011.

This morning, I sit here crying as my girls have gone to school.  This morning started off early with Julianna waking us up crying because her ear hurt.  Then Aliya's alarm went off and scared the daylights outta her so she was crying.  I then I had to pry Gabi out of bed because she was determined not to go to school today.  She said this is why she told us she was going to sleep in!  Then she started complaining about a tummy ache. Oh boy.  Thi … Read More

via A Heart of Flesh

This morning, I sit here crying as my girls have gone to school.  This morning started off early with Julianna waking us up crying because her ear hurt.  Then Aliya’s alarm went off and scared the daylights outta her so she was crying.  I then I had to pry Gabi out of bed because she was determined not to go to school today.  She said this is why she told us she was going to sleep in!  Then she started complaining about a tummy ache.

Oh boy.  This is gonna be a long morning.

I stopped in the middle of them getting dressed and just prayed for them.  But even while I was doing that, my heart was breaking.  Again, as I mentioned in a previous post, I feel guilty for doing this to my kids.

<In my head, I KNOW that God will give us all strength for this, but my heart hurts.>

After they all had breakfast, brushed teeth and got their hair done, we started the process of getting out the books that each of them needs for their classes today.  For some strange reason, my kids love their school books.  This process seemed to perk them up!  By the time they left for school, the tears had stopped and they were okay.

But still……here I am.  Feeling sad and worried for them.

I appreciate your prayers.

For some reason, I had been thinking that if I could just get past the girls’ first day of school, we would be home free.  How wrong I was.  While Day 1 of School was a hurdle, it is really not over yet.

The girls had school last week, Monday through Friday, but this week has been different.  Panama has a 3-day Carnaval, which apparently starts 40 days before Easter every year and the whole country shuts down for these 3 days.  So, there has not been school for these first 3 days of this week.  As the days have come closer to their return to school, Gabi has become increasingly more stressed.

Gabi has always been my child who does not cope well with change.  Even when we would go to Clint’s parents’ house in Cape Town for a two-week visit at Christmastime, it would take her a few nights to adjust.  She would be tearful and insecure through the transition.  It has always been tough for her to feel secure in a new environment.

This has definitely been true as we have moved to Panama, although not as bad as I anticipated.  We have been working toward this move for more than a year and a half, so think our arriving here <finally> made her feel, in some way, secure.  This is what we’ve been talking about for so long!

But school seems to be different and more difficult than any of us realized.  We all knew it would be difficult.  But it is not going to become easy overnight.

Stop and imagine this:  you are sitting in your second grade class and everyone is speaking in a foreign-to-you language.  All the instruction you are receiving is in that language.  Even the homework assignments you are to write down are in that language.  6 hours a day.  You have no idea what’s going on or being said.  Remember, you are only 7 years old.  Enough to cause stress?  Yes, I think so.

So, as the girls have enjoyed 3 days off of school this week, Thursday has been looming overhead, with all of us knowing that school was coming.  Gabi has become increasingly stressed.  She has been very, very tearful.  More tearful than she has been in a very long time.  She also keeps saying that she is not going to school on Thursday because she is going to sleep in!

Yesterday, I asked her if she is struggling with lots of things right now.  She said yes and sometimes she feels like she just needs to cry to get it all out.  Oh, my girl, I understand that!

So,  I ask you to please pray for us.  Please pray as this period of transition is DIFFICULT for so many reasons!

Since we arrived in Panama, we have been borrowing Ryan & Kelly’s french press to make coffee.  All I need is one cup of coffee each morning to prevent a massive headache.  I know, I know….this means I’m addicted to caffeine.  I am okay with this.  Caffeine is, after all, the Christian drug of choice.  :)

I knew that I would need to return the french press soon, so I bought a coffee maker when I was down in David last Saturday.  The whole time I was thinking that maybe I should not buy this in David because if there is something wrong with it, then I will have to drive an hour away to return it.  Well, I went ahead and bought it and guess what?  It doesn’t work.  Of course.  So, we have still been using the Skinners’ french press…  I will go down to David and exchange the coffee maker, but not until later in the week because right now it is Carnaval and I am not going to deal with that chaos in town!

Anyway, Ryan called last night to say that he wanted to come pick up their french press.  Of course, this is fine since it IS theirs!  But, my mind was racing with what I’m going to do this morning for my coffee!  Well, I just want to brag on my ingenious missionary mind!  I boiled water this morning in the kettle (which also belongs to the Skinners….hmmm…I wonder if they needed that back, too?) and put 3 Tablespoons of coffee into a pan and poured the boiled water into it.  I let it steep for a few minutes and then I added milk to the pot.  I put it back onto the burner for a couple of minutes to warm the milk.  I then took a <clean> dishcloth and my mug.  I placed the dishcloth over the top of the mug and gingerly poured the coffee through the dishcloth into the mug.  The dishcloth served as a filter so the grounds did not go into the cup.

Smart? Yes, I am.  Good coffee?  Yes, it was.

Ryan & Kelly finally settled on a name for their little boy.  His name is Jacob Richard Skinner.  And he is precious.  I mean, really beautiful, especially for a white baby!  Perfect little round head, perfect little blue eyes, perfect little newborn facial expressions.  He is perfect.  I’m so thankful that I get to be here for this special time in Ryan & Kelly’s lives.

Last night, Ryan & Kelly’s girls, Anna and Nora, spent the night with us.  So, we had 5 little girls here.  It was surprisingly quiet and there was not all the late night giggle and chatter.  I think they were all tired!  Nora slept with Aliya, since Aliya is the oldest and this was Nora’s first time sleeping over at a friends’ house.  She’s only 3!  I was so proud of her for staying the whole night, because none of us thought she would!

So, backing up a  little bit:  we did go to David on Friday to look at couches.  We picked the girls up from school at noon and drove down, with our first stop being McDonald’s for lunch.  The girls changed out of their uniforms in the bathroom at Mickey D’s and then we ate.  I actually kind of like it that we don’t live so close to a big city with all the fast food options.  After McDonald’s, we went downtown to look at a couple of stores on the square.  David is just hot and humid and it feels like EVERYTHING takes 5 times longer in David than it should!  I was notably irritable Friday and the kids were grumpy and it was just not turning out to be a fun family day!  I was so frustrated!

We visited 5 or 6 different stores and there was just nothing in our price range that I really liked.  It was very discouraging.  We saw one store that looked like an appliance store but for some reason, I felt I should go in there so we went back and I jumped out of the car to run in and see if there was anything.  I was surprised to see the entire second floor was furniture!  I immediately saw a brown sectional with an excellent price tag!  I looked at it and at some others and then I went back out to have Clint and the girls come in.  By this time, our colleagues from OM Panama were waiting for us so we could all go to the hospital to visit Ryan & Kelly and see the baby.  So, we talked to the saleslady, Cynthia and told her we would be back the next day because we didn’t have time at that moment.

We left and went to the hospital with a huge group.  It was kind of funny!  It was the 5 of us Barends, the 5 Brandas, Albin and Luz Maria plus another couple from church.  After we’d been there for only a few minutes, the nurse came to tell us that we could not have so many people in there at one time!  so, we eventually all said our good byes and left.  The OM team had then planned to take us out for our “welcome” dinner and we all went to Pizza Hut for supper.  There was a nice big play area for all the kids so that was nice for them.  we enjoyed our time with our new teammates and it was a great night.

Saturday morning, I got up and got ready to head back down to David.  Aliya went with me and we headed down to the hospital first to see Kelly.  She and baby Jake were going to be coming home that day, but it was nice to see them without the big crowd of people in the room.  Kelly took a shower while Aliya and I were there to watch Jake for her.

After our visit at the hospital, we went to the appliance/furniture store to buy the couch.  Well, in true Latin fashion, this was no quick endeavor.  Cynthia had to call around to the other stores and no one had a brown one, only gray.  So, I asked her if she could sell me the brown one from the showroom floor.  She agreed to that and gave me a little bit of a discount as well because there are a couple of little flaws on that one.  I can deal with a couple of flaws to save some money!  So, the couch will be delivered to our house on Thursday and we are all so excited!

I really want to switch gears here and tell you about the book I’ve been reading:  Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis’ wife.  Mary Beth is the wife of one of the most popular and well-known names in Christian music.  What amazes me about this book is that she is just so open and blatantly honest about her struggle with depression – before and after the tragic accident that claimed the life of her 5-year-old adopted daughter from China.  Maria was playing outside and was hit in the driveway by the car being driven by the Chapman’s son, Will Franklin.  A truly unimaginable tragedy to even try to understand.  But in her book, Mary Beth chronicles the journey that their family is still one through doubting God, struggling to come to terms with this and how to move on.

I love this book because I think it takes so much courage to open yourself up like that.  So many Christians are so judgmental to each other, especially in terms of depression.  If you have followed my journey with depression, you know how I struggled with the same things!  ”If my relationship with God were right, I would not be depressed, etc….”  These lies are not true and it took me a long time to understand this!  I loved how Mary Beth was just so willing to lay it all out there in her book and be so honest.  It made me feel like I’m not crazy (well, not TOO crazy!).

If you are looking for a book to read that will reach right down and not just tug your heart, but pull it, break it and move it, you need to read Choosing to SEE.